Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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