so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
