I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
