He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
