omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
