kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
