New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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