Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
