I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
