she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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