I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
