Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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