Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
