I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
