I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize