you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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