i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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