If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
