I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
