I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
