I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
