We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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