I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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