Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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