The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
