well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i dont even know how to be here
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
