someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
