Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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