Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
