having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
