Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
