Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
