I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
