Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize