it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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