You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
