Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
