How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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