I wanna passion pit in your ass
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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