It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
