she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
