when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
