ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
