so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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