Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
