rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
