sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
