Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize