The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
