Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
