just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
