Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
