We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
