im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
