I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
