I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
