yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
