we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
