i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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