i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
